40 (how long...)

…oopsy - everytime I think of 40, I think of U2.  But that's not what this post is about!

If I could sum up my 40th year in one word, it would be: wow.  I never, in a million years, would have guessed it would turn out like this.

It's been one heck of a ride up until now. Partly, I'm referring to the past 40 years, but mostly, I'm referring to the last year.  It has definitely been an emotional, soul-searching year for me.

Physically, I'm feeling fabulous.  I made a decision a little over a year ago that it was time for me to stop living in the shadow of post-pregnancy and motherhood and start getting myself back to the physical health that I was craving.  It's taken a year, but I'm finally seeing fragments of my former self.  I even mustered up the courage to sport a bikini again on our recent trip to Florida.

I'm also enjoying physical activity again and have made efforts to watch what and how much I eat.  As a result, I am enjoying food again, too.  I am feeling healthy, energetic and quelque joie de vivre.  It's been good.

Spiritually, I don't think I have changed all that much.  Though I have had many occasions to contemplate spirituality this past year, I don't think my spiritual beliefs have been affected.  Having said that, my current belief may be that I'm unsure about my spirituality.  But I'm as unsure now as I have been anytime in the past, so that's okay by me! 

The biggest change I've seen in my spirituality is that death has caused me to contemplate mortality many times this past year.  However, the pangs that I have suffered from this contemplation has manifested itself more emotionally than spiritually.

So, I guess I could say I have struggled the most emotionally this past year leading up to my 40th birthday.  If I can sum up my emotional turmoil in one paragraph, it would be this:

I have a pretty fucking fabulous life.  I have 2 wonderful children whom I absolutely adore.  Josh and Aves bring constant joy and love to my life daily.  I have a husband who is second to none.  Bri loves me and supports me in every way.  Sure, our family has it's ups and downs.  Our kids are 2 1/2 and 5.  It's a crazy, insane time in our lives.  But I think as far as family units go, I'm pretty damn lucky to have this one.  We are great together.  So.  How can it possibly be that I am so selfish and ungrateful that I could even contemplate not being happy in my life?!

There.  I said it.  I have spent the months leading up to my 40th birthday struggling with whether I am happy in this life I have carved for myself.  It's an honesty that I've had much trouble admitting to myself, much less blogging about it.  But I guess nothing is true until you read it on Facebook, right?!

People I have shared this with have thrown out the term 'mid-life crisis' at me.  I don't necessarily disagree with them.  I've often wondered if I went out and bought a fast, brightly-coloured car, whether I'd feel happier.  Haha.

Joking aside, this is the reality for me as I turn 40.  I am constantly questioning every decision I make and whether it leads to happiness.  I have had many personal and professional ups and downs this year because of it.  I swear people think I'm crazy.  Sometimes I feel like I am indeed going crazy.

An old friend of mine paraphrased from a book he read - the author said, like me, she had questioned whether she was living the "right" life.  What she discovered was that when she finally stopped questioning whether it was the "right" life and just accepted that this was her life and that she should just live it because it was the life she was meant to have, only then did things fall into place.  I get it, but it is a difficult concept to put to practice.  How do I stay true to myself and those around me if I don't question things?  Being true to oneself can be a difficult and painful process. 

So, in these days and weeks surrounding my 40th birthday, I am still working to find that balance that keeps me and those around me sane.  The concept of "me time" has eluded me up to now and I'm working on "me time" that rejuvenates my soul.  Our Vegas trip was a perfect example of quality "me time".  Now I have to work that into my day to day life in a meaningful way.

I am still learning to listening to my gut instead of questioning everything.  Which can be good and bad.  Lately, I can safely assume there has been more bad than good, but I'm hoping in my heart that this can be the start of something better.

It's ironic that the turbulence I've felt this past year can best be summed up by a quote that I read on a friend's blog after a recent passing.  The quote is from the brilliant Steve Jobs.  Read it.  And then read it again:

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.  Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking.  Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.  They somehow already know what you truly want to become.  Everything else is secondary."

Yes, it's been THAT kind of year.  40.  Wow.

no nap

Every parent knows that a child's naptime is glorious downtime.  So, when I wake up in the morning and I am already exhausted, I know that I just have to make it to naptime.  I typically use naptime to either get stuff done or recharge my batteries.

Today was the first day both our kids did not have a nap.  Needless to say, I am exhausted.  Aves is pretty exhausted too.  She is giddy and bumping into stuff.  It's pretty cute, actually.

Aves has been saying "no nap" for the last couple of weeks but we've still been able to get her down.  Today, she absolutely refused.  I lay in her room with her for 1.5 hours but to no avail.  How is it that a 2.5-year-old does not nap?!  Josh JUST stopped napping about a month ago.  He's almost 5!  And even then, he still passes out from exhaustion occasionally.

I know that kids don't nap forever, but they have been insofar as my parenting lifetime.  And it seems like 2.5 years is so young to not nap!  I know Aves will likely still have naps here and there, but since she's been fighting it for the past couple of weeks, I feel like this is the beginning of the end.  So, we will try to gracefully transition into the next chapter in this book of parenting - adapting to life with no naps.  Sigh...

P.S.  The silver lining in all of this, of course, is that Aves did not complain at all when it was FINALLY bedtime!

the reality of eating with kids in vancouver

I'm shocked when I ask Josh what his favourite food is, he says "sushi and dim sum".  I guess I really shouldn't be shocked since the availability and quality of both is quite high in Vancouver.  (My dad often comments that Josh was born in the wrong country because of his palate.)

I was doubly shocked today when Aves asked to try toro sashimi.  She liked it.

The reality is: with a 2.5 year-old and a 5 year-old, our sushi nights just got a tad more expensive.

bmx

Have I mentioned that Josh JUST learned to ride a bike?!  The boy seems to have no fear when it comes to his bike.  I can't seem to get him to watch a movie with even the most benign scary scene, but put him on a bike and he doesn't seem to know the word fear.

We are visiting the Bush's this weekend in Vernon (and, might I add, having a fabulous time!).  The Bush boys are always talking about the BMX track and the skate park so, of course, Josh just needs to go.  I must admit, I was quite nervous.  I didn't really know what to expect.  Bri usually takes on these situations. 

But Josh rocked it.  He knew what he wanted to do and what he didn't want to do (he didn't want to start the track from the "real" start line that was quite a steep drop).  And when he fell, he got right back up and kept going.  Mom is very impressed and very proud.  Way to go, Joshie!

And not to be outdone by a 4-year-old, this 40-year-old had to jump on a bike (that belongs to Evan, who is 8!) and have a go on the BMX track for the first time ever.

Note: In the video, I called the kid who passed me a 10-year-old.  He was actually only 7!

happy belated

Between getting the family together to celebrate and bringing my laptop back to life to do the post, I'm finally getting Bri's birthday post up.

Since all the Van Dop's are here on the west coast, it's typical to have us all get together for a birthday.  What is not typical, is getting my family together for a birthday celebration.  Since Bri's birthday is in the summer though, we've lucked out in the past and we've been able to celebrate his birthday with parts of my family visiting us.

This year, it was my parents visiting.  Last weekend we were able to get all the Van Dop's over (sorry we missed you, Mike!) as well as my parents.  We had a really nice family gathering to celebrate Bri's birthday.

I hope you had a fun afternoon and a happy birthday, babe.  Love you.

P.S.  Bri actually turned 43 this year, not 44 (as his cake says).  Unfortunately, last year, we celebrated a 2nd birthday, a 4th birthday and a 42nd birthday, so we only had candles for 2 and 4.  Oopsy!

trans

I don't pretend to know the finer points of transvestite vs. transgendered and everything in between, so please forgive me if I say incorrect things or offend.

Today, we were running errands and we were in a store.  The person helping me, I would describe like this: from the neck down, looked like a guy; dressed like a guy (but that might have been the attire for the store we were in).  From the neck up, looked like a guy trying to look like a lady - long hair in a ponytail, make-up very nicely applied, earrings, etc. - but very masculine features; sounded like a guy.  So, I'm not sure if this "guy" was a transvestite or transgendered.  In any case, "he" was clearly a guy who wanted to look like a lady.

I didn't notice Josh staring at all (thankfully) but at one point, he came up to us and directed some questions at this person:

J: Are you a boy or a girl?
(Mom is mortified.)
Guy/Lady: (after a long pause) I'm a girl.
J: No, you are a boy.
Lady: No, I'm a girl.
J: But you talk like a boy, not a girl.  So, you are a boy.
(Josh starts to walk away.)
Y: (What do I say??!!) OK, Josh, that's enough.

The lady went on to say that it was OK.  I clarified that I didn't mind him asking the question (as long as she didn't!), but I minded that he was denying that she was who she said she was.  She was very understanding and said that she was impressed that at least he had the fortitude to question the disconnect.  It didn't make sense in his mind, so he questioned it.  The denial was just age, because it didn't make sense.  But at least he asked the question.

She was very understanding and I was very relieved.  It's not necessarily one of the topics they put in the Parenting 101 manual...

josh on death

I was shocked this morning to turn on the tv and see that Jack Layton had died at 61. RIP.

Josh was beside me as I watched the news...

J: Mommy, why did he die?
Y: He was very sick, Josh.
J: How many birthdays did he have?
Y: Oh, he had LOTS of birthdays.
J: Mommy, I'm not going to let Daddy have anymore birthdays.
Y: Why?
J: Because I don't want him to die.

How do you reply to that?!