nikita van dop

When we started this blog in 2006, one of the first posts had the same title.  Now, we have come full circle with this post.

We said goodbye to our dear, dear Kita-pup today.  It was a heartbreaking and beautiful experience at the same time - for all of us to be able to be there with her and surround her with our love and McDonald's french fries.

Mixed with sadness is peace and relief.  Relief that she no longer has to degrade herself to daily incontinence.  Relief that she no longer needs help standing on her four legs.  Relief that she no longer lays on her bed day in and day out, staring into the air because she can't do anything else.  We want to believe she is in a better place than all that, even in the midst of our incredible sadness.

We've known this day would come for awhile now.  Over the last couple of weeks, I've been putting together photos of her life as a means of therapy and healing.  It was actually quite cathartic and therapeutic!  (I've put the photos together in a slideshow here.)

It reminded me of the puppy we picked from Pepsi's litter 14.5 years ago.  The little girl we could carry in our arms.  When we thought we might have the only Labrador Retriever that couldn't swim...and then the never-ending pursuit of water that followed!  In addition to her love of water, the photos also reminded me that she was happiest when she was chasing that orange and blue Chuck-it ball.  All these passions she has not been able to pursue for awhile now.

Last week, we took her for one last walk at McDonald Beach by YVR airport.  As we pulled off Hwy 99 over by Tim Horton's and Costco, her head popped up (she had been laying laying down in the back of the truck).  She knew.  We hadn’t been to McDonald Beach in awhile and she’s mostly blind and deaf, but she could smell Mcdonald Beach from that far away!  She started pacing in the back and she was walking all over the kids’ feet and breathing her panting dog breath in their faces.  The kids expressed their disapproval with “Nikita!”, but we were all loving her sudden burst of energy.  As we drove along Templeton, she started making her anticipatory crying noise, like when she knows the beach/water is nearby.  It was so GREAT to see her full of energy, even though she couldn't enjoy the beach the way she used to.

There are also things that the photos don't show me that I will always remember - how anytime I was sad, she would rest her head on my lap, telling me, "I know you're sad and I love you"; how anytime Brian and I would try to hug, she'd get all worked up and try to get between us! How we never had to clean our floors because she always made sure it was always licked clean (when the kids were little, she knew to stand guard by their high chairs because food was always coming her way soon!). How anytime I'd sit on the floor, she would curl up between my legs; and how anyone that was lucky enough to meet her loved her playful spirit and kind and gentle nature.

We have been so lucky to have been Nikita's "pack" for almost 15 years. She has shared her unconditional love with us her whole life. She has been with us since her beginning and we are honoured we were there with her at her end. We will miss her and always love her.

Good-bye 'Kita-pup. Thank-you for the loyalty and love you brought to our lives.

ch-ch-changes

(also supposed to be posted in June 2018)

In addition to graduating from elementary school, Josh has seen some drastic changes in this past month!  Here are some before and after shots!

Hair - before

Hair - after

Teeth - before

Teeth - after

the graduate

(this was supposed to be posted in June 2018)

In truth, I don't really think of Grade 5 as a graduation.  (Possibly because I didn't graduate until Grade 8?)  But I needed to take a moment to commemorate this milestone.

I'm so incredibly proud of Josh as he goes from elementary school to middle school.  He's gone from a little kid who once said to me in Grade 2 that he hated school, to a big kid who told me that he is both nervous and excited to start middle school.

We've definitely had our share of ups and downs so far in his academic journey.  But I mostly wanted him to be able to read this when he's a bit older and can process what I'm saying and know that as difficult as it may have seemed at the time, it was all for a good reason.  I don't think we would have gotten to this point without going through this journey.

From Arnold to Kumar to Danica to Liu to Prunier, we got to see Josh grow and learn the entire way.  Not only did we have to navigate the academic challenges, but we had maneuver through social and behavioural challenges as well.  Is this seriously elementary school?!  This is supposed to be the easiest part!

I recall a particularly pivotal meeting I had with Josh's principal in Grade 2.  She said to me, "I know that we have done our jobs when you can come and talk to me and NOT cry.".  Wow, was she ever right!  I didn't know what that looked like back then, but I'm sure glad I do now.

Having said that, my most important take away from this journey is this:  Brian and I are the only ones who will advocate unfailingly for our kids.  It's no one else's responsibility but ours.  As Josh goes into middle school, then high school, we take this knowledge with us - the knowledge that we have the power to advocate for him.  Our under-resourced school system has measures to help kids who need support.  But they aren't always able to be the ones to say "your child needs help".  Once we can accept this fact and take the first steps to getting that support, the rest will fall into place.

So, I'm going into the next stages of Josh's academic career with cautious optimism - feeling a bit better equipped to deal with what may come, but still aware that the road ahead will have ups and downs.  I said earlier that this is a journey.  And we want to be sure that Josh knows that we are all taking this journey together.

Congratulations on this milestone, Josh.  You deserve to celebrate it!

my fashion critic

Wearing my shirt on the stripey side.

A: WHOA! 

(Full stop.  She really didn't need to say anymore.  I was ready to turn my shirt inside out.)

Y: What?!

A: Is that a new shirt?  (Hahaha.)

Y: No, it's reversible.  I usually wear it on the other side.  It's grey.  Should I turn it the other way?

A: (without pause) Yes.

50th celebration

My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary this year.  In keeping with tradition, Mom let us all know that she wanted to go on a cruise as a family to celebrate.  So, after alot of planning and coordination, we managed to get all 23 of us to Florida this past August to hang out for a week on Marco Island and then hop on the Harmony of the Seas for a family cruise.

I am very thankful for the dynamic we have in our family.  I'm not sure how the rest of my siblings felt, but I don't think that I can be the only one that, after 2 weeks together, felt sad that the trip was ending!

For our first week on Marco, we rented a house a stones throw from our family's condo.  The house had a pool and the condo had beach access, so it was perfect!  A subset of us even managed to throw in an overnight jaunt to Orlando and spend a day at Disney's Animal Kingdom.   This is where I lost a child the first time 😳 (the second time I lost a child was at the outlet mall).  Believe it or not, it's much less stressful losing a child at a Disney park than at the outlet mall (and, yes, those were the only 2 times Brian wasn't with us!).

Some family couldn't join until the cruise, so it was a big reunion once we boarded the Harmony of Seas. Our stops were on St. Maarten, Puerto Rico and Royal Caribbean's oasis, Labadee, on Haiti.  There was also a plethora of activities on board the ship too!  The kids managed to decorate cupcakes, go to the spa, make sushi, go skating (!), play mini-golf, participate in a volleyball tournament, zipline across the ship, ride the waves, slide down slides, carousel and sing karaoke (take a breath!).  Not to mention the endless gobs and gobs of self-serve soft-serve!  

There were also the typical cruise stuffs - shows, themed dinners, casinos, shops, etc.  A never-ending supply of entertainment for 5000+ passengers 😱!  The only place we didn't "manage" to spend time was the pool.  The number of passengers divided by the number of pools on the ship made it a bit too "germ-friendly" for our liking!

In the end, it was the quality family time that we enjoyed the most.  Getting to see Josh and Aves hang out with their cousins was heartwarming.  And getting to spend some time with my siblings was pretty priceless too!  Thankfully, we all get together more than just once every 10 years, but we sure are grateful to be able to all vacation like this together.  Thanks for a wonderful vacation, family!  And Happy 50th Anniversary, Mom and Dad 💖!  (Full photos can be found here)

a memorable dance season

Showtime 2018!

Falling behind on posts already! 😩

This past weekend, Aves had her end of year dance recital.  Every year Boswell Dance Academy puts on a pretty big production!  This year, they decided that the finale would incorporate the Disney dance performance.  Aves usually isn't in the finale (reserved for dance grads and competitive dancers).  But since she was in Disney Dance, she was able to take part.  There were 2 shows and as I watched the finale of the second show last night, I felt a bit nostalgic and weepy for all the time that went into Disney dance (perfect segue into a post that I've been meaning to post for the past month!)...

Toward the end of May, we headed to Cali with Aves' dance group so they could perform at Disneyland!  When the opportunity came up last summer, Aves said she wanted to do it in a heartbeat.  I was excited for her - what an opportunity to dance at Disneyland!

It was a tough 8 months working hard to get the production ready.  The practices started last October as 2 hours every other week, but by the beginning of this year, they ramped up to 3 hour practices.  As the date got closer, they added extra practices, dress rehearsals and it all generally took time to get everything ready to go.  The girls, the dance coaches and parents all worked hard to make sure we were ready and organized for Disney.

Well, the hard work paid off.  I'm pretty sure everyone in our group of ??? would agree!  (There were just under 45 dancers.  So, with family and friends, our BDA group was pretty big!)

BDA Disney Dance Group outside the Hollywood Studios backlot

Early in the year, I canvassed family and friends to see if anyone wanted to join us at Disney for a May long-weekend vacay.  So, in addition to our BDA dance group, our friends PLD decided to come along, too!

It was truly a blast going to Universal and Disney with friends.  It helped that PLD were pretty laid back and were willing to follow the itinerary put together by the BDA parents group!

I loved seeing Aves in this moment, too.  There was a mix of excitement and anxiety that I think she handled amazingly!  I'm not going to say much about it because I have 150+ photos that captured our memories.  But I wanted to share some photos here that showcase Aves, along with the dance group.  I hope she will remember this for years to come!  (P.S.  The last upload here is the video of the performance that Brian captured.  He tirelessly held his phone stable for 22 minutes while trying to make sure he could watch the performance IRL, too!  Please watch his labour of love! 😘)

Listening to performance-day instructions

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

Try Everything!

Here I stand!

Happiness is a journey, not a destination

The rest of the photos can be found here: https://photos.app.goo.gl/FMqh6e1MshTrvPA16

dreaming stuff up

A: I have a joke.
Y: ok.
A: What did the sushi say to the bee?
Y: uhhhh...I don’t know.
A: wasssssup bee? (Think: wasa-bi)
Y: (laughing) That’s a good one Aves. Did you make that up?
A: (completely serious) No, someone told it to me in my dream.
Y: (bwahahaha!) Ave, that means you thought of it, because the stuff in your dream comes from you!
A: (still totally serious and a bit exasperated by me!) No, I said someone told it to me in my dream!

Sigh.

trypophobic

I learned yesterday that I'm trypophobic.  I'm not even going to put a link to the definition because I'm sure there will be images and the images give me heebie jeebies.

I went out to dinner with work colleagues last night and we were talking about custard apples.  We wanted to get more information, so we googled it.  When I looked at the photo of the inside of a custard apple, I said, "OK, I can't look at that.  It gives me heebie jeebies."  That rang true for one of my co-workers and he said he thought there was name for that!

We clarified that what was giving me heebie jeebies was all the little holes in the middle of the fruit.  He said there was definitely a name for that.  He looked it up and sure enough - trypophobia!  Like honeycomb?  Yes, that gives me heebie jeebies.  Everyone gave examples and yes, they all gave me heebie jeebies (I had goose bumps on my arms to prove it!)!  The only example that didn't give me heebie jeebies was the inside of the pomegranate.  That was a bit weird.  Maybe it's because I think its so delicious, that I overcome the phobia so I can eat it?

Anyway, you can google it to see more examples.  I'm going to stop talking about it now because the thoughts are giving me heebie jeebies!  Hahaha.

the highlight of brownie camp

I always wanted to be a Brownie when I was little.  Not sure why my mom didn't put us in.  I don't even recall if I ever told her I wanted to be in Brownies!  All I know is that I never did it.  Fast forward almost 40 years.  I asked Aves if she wanted to be in Brownies and she expressed mostly apathetic interest.  I needed to live vicariously through her, so I signed her up!

She had one stipulation, though.  She wouldn't do any overnight camps unless I went too.  Ha.  I'm told this is the best part of Guiding!

I decided that I would sign up as a Girl Guide leader so that I could attend the camps and Aves wouldn't miss out.  I thought it would be a fun way to volunteer as well!  Not only am I volunteering for sleepovers, but I also help out in the weekly unit meetings.

One thing I have learned about myself: I am NOT cut out to be a leader.  And I'm definitely not cut out to be a leader of children!  I don't have creative ways to deal with the never-ending list of excuses and interruptions that kids can come up with!  Most importantly, I don't have the patience.  I don't lose my patience with kids, but I find that I'm not alot of 'fun' to learn from.  Not engaging.  At.  All.

This past weekend, we went on our first 2-night Brownie camp (by 'we', I mean me and Aves).  Aves loved it!  She had a blast.  Her highlights were roasting wieners and making s'mores at the campfire and singing campfire songs at night.  Her most difficult times were sleeping at night (but I think we've figured it out for next time!).  At the end of the weekend, I asked her if she wanted to go to District camp this summer and she said yes.  I asked her if I didn't go whether she would still want to go and she said yes (as long as we address the sleeping issue)!

I'm thrilled!  I wanted Aves to be a Brownie to help her develop confidence in her skills and to give her a sense of adventure.  It seems to be working!  I've registered her for the camp this summer, so fingers crossed that she will go when the time comes!

As for me, I'm learning that as much as I wanted to be a Brownie when I was little, I don't really see myself as a Brownie Leader.  Camp was mostly fun this weekend.  But I had alot of anxiety about the one activity that I had to lead.  And then after the activity was done, I worried about how the activity went over with the kids.

The kids were great, though!  It was interesting to see all the different personalities and how they interacted with each other.  And the lifetime Girl Guiders who were the 'main' leaders amazed me!  I can learn alot from them in how to navigate groups of children (none of them were actually parents!).

In the end, I had one big highlight: helping to make pancakes for breakfast for ~35 people!  Apparently, I enjoy helping, not leading.  Note that someone else took these pictures and I didn't actually get any pictures of the weekend as I was too busy stressing about being a leader! 😓

food and more on oahu

Besides the tours, I'd say that the food was another highlight of our trip.  Thanks to the great tips from J&C, we ate some pretty good food.  I have to say, though, I can eat tropical fruit, coconut and macadamia nuts all day. so the local food agrees with me!

We couldn't get enough of local fruit!  We got pineapples, avocados, mangoes and apple bananas from the farmer's market.  So tasty!  I'm still surprised (and sad) that I don't like papaya because there are not many fruits I don't like!  And the papayas at the market looked SO good.

J&C recommended açai bowls and Heavenly, so I had to have the açai bowl at Heavenly!  I found my new favourite breakfast.  I think I had a Heavenly açai bowl for breakfast every morning after!  Even when we came back home, I had to find Hawaiian açai bowls here.  Low and behold, I found alohabowls.ca!  Now, it's not Heavenly, but it's still worth the trek to find the food truck!

Another food highlight was Fumi's shrimp truck on the north shore. We are told it's one of the trucks that serves local shrimp.  Truthfully, I'm not sure I can tell the difference between local and non-local shrimp, but local just seems like it will be better all around.  The shrimps did not disappoint!  We had garlic shrimp, coconut shrimp and shrimp tempura.  All of it was delicious.

Best shave ice (Waiola) and best poke (Ono Seafood)

Aside from wanting IHOP, the kids were great about eating whatever we decided to eat that day.  Some of their favourites?  The gyoza and crèpes at the Japanese food court at Ala Moana (that's the Japanese food court, not the regular one!).  And, of course, shave ice.

Surprisingly, we tasted the difference between bad shave ice and good shave ice on this trip!  One night, we had shave ice at some random stall.  The kids didn't even finish them!  They said it was meh.  I tried some and it was, indeed, meh (who knew?!).  I think it was a combination of the quality of the shaved ice and the quality of the syrup.  The next day, we made the trek to Waiola Shave Ice (on recommendation) because I couldn't leave Oahu having bad shave ice.  Yes, this was definitely good shave ice!  And the kids polished them off just to prove it!

All this food went hand in hand with hanging out at the beach and pool.  I'm not a lay-around-at-the-beach/pool person, but I found myself able to relax with a book while the kids played.  I think the way they love the beach makes me enjoy it more.

All in all, I think our trip had a good balance of exploring/touring and relaxing.  I know I came back feeling like I was on a vacation, so that's a good thing.

Again, there were too many pics to post them all here, so here is a link to the last album - https://photos.app.goo.gl/nK9KE3rMFwJPSgZE7.  And here is one last one of the hukilau:

kai'oli'oli

Tour #2 on Oahu.  Since we agreed to go to the Polynesian Cultural Centre for Aves, we had to go snorkelling for Josh.  I'm not very adventurous when it comes to snorkelling and Aves flat out refuses.  So, we decided to do an afternoon tour that got us out on a boat so that we could get a bit of snorkelling done while Aves had some fun too.

We went dolphin-watching and snorkelling with Ocean Joy Cruises.  As much as we planned to go on a jeep tour, we did NOT plan to do a snorkel tour.  This was the best last-minute decision on our trip!  We decided to book the tour because the weather had been on and off rain.  It felt right to be out on the water if it was going to rain (or maybe we might be tempted to stay indoors?).  Also, the tour took us to the drier, leeward side of the island.

Well, the weather decided to cooperate for our tour.  The sky was blue and the weather was perfect!  We saw so many spinner dolphins and they 'performed' for us!  We swear it was staged! (It wasn't staged.)  Getting to snorkel with turtles was the icing on the cake.  We couldn't believe our luck to get to see so many dolphins and turtles up close.  Even Aves, who refused to wear the snorkel gear and initially didn't want to be in the water, got to see a turtle when it surfaced.

I have to say that I was very proud of Aves on this tour.  She was reluctant to get in the water from the beginning.  And Aves can't be convinced.  She knows her limits.  I could tell she was sure she didn't want to use the snorkel and mask, so I didn't push.  I could also tell she wanted to go in the water but was scared.  I think between the bright yellow floaty thing we had to wear, the flippers and the pool noodles, Aves felt like she could give it a try.  She came in with me briefly, we managed to get one picture from the tour's photographer but she was panicky right from the moment she came in and she wanted out.  Done.

About 10 minutes later, I saw her on the stairs at the back of the boat again.  She was ready to come back in the water!  This time, she was not panicky at all!  She seemed to overcome whatever it was that was freaking her out.  She was even ok to let go of the rope that was attached to boat!  In the end, she said, "It was alot more fun that I thought it would be!".  Ha.

Our all-woman crew of 5 were impressively laid-back, fun and skilled.  I'm not sure how we were anchored while we snorkelled, but when the boat stopped, one of the crew dove into the water with a rope and when she came back up, she wasn't holding the rope.  At the end of the snorkel, she dove in again and came back up with rope.  I'm not sure what we were anchored to, but she held her breath a mighty long time!

Again, too many photos to post here.  You can see the album here - https://photos.app.goo.gl/N4h4QqeqjtPgPY7o1.

P.S. Later on when we were headed back to the dock, Aves told us that she was scared because she saw all the fish and though she loved looking at them, she didn't like the idea of them swimming around her.  She's not sure how she finally convinced herself that it was ok!

the real hawai'i

I was going to try to do our Oahu trip in one post, but we had so many good adventures, that one post wouldn't have done it justice.

One of the first things we did on Oahu was take a tour of the island.  Maybe I'm getting old, but I'm into tours these days.  All the tours we've done lately have given us insights into the places we've visited that we wouldn't have gotten just by going on our own (and some of the places we wouldn't have even known to go on our own!).  And, honestly, the kids love them!

Now, I'm not talking about a run of the mill bus tour.  We've been doing more 'fun' tours that cater to things we want to do.  This time around, we hooked up with http://therealhawaiitours.com.  They offered a jeep tour of the island and since the jeep only fits 4, it was a private tour!

Our tour guide, Dan, took us around the island and showed us things on and off the beaten path.  In a word, it was amazing!  We were engaged the entire time.  I can't really quantify what made it so great, but I think that was part of it.  It felt so much like a 1:1 tour of the island that sharing our highlights wouldn't mean as much to others.  It was just all the tidbits of information that we gathered along the way that made it so interesting for us.

Some of the particularly noteworthy discussions where:
- the Hawaiian language
- what it was like being on the island during the missile alert
- 400 skulls!
- shrimp trucks along the north shore
- Oahu vs. Maui
- all the movie locations along the way!
- chinaman's hat
- tako diving
- Hawaiian fruit and the economy

There were too many photos from the tour to post them all here, but here's a link to the album: https://photos.app.goo.gl/bJFO0oAfz0f7o0h73

witness

Aves has been singing Katy Perry since she discovered music (I think after the Wiggles, it was Katy Perry!).  Last summer, when I heard KP's Witness tour was coming to Vancouver in Feb 2018, I knew we had to get tickets (will KP be touring for much longer?!).  We gave Aves the tickets as her Christmas present and she was so excited, counting down the days!

Growing up, concert-going wasn't particularly popular with my parents.  My first concert was A-ha in LA, when I was 15 years-old.  I went with my sister and we had family friends as our chaperones (the only reason we were allowed to go was because these family friends invited us!).  Needless to say, I haven't been to many concerts, but each time I go, they're a blast.

I'm not a Katy Perry fan at all, but I had a blast at her concert.  For different reasons.  I had a blast at the concert with Aves.  She is such a fan and still has her sing-like-no-one-is-watching innocence.  This will not last forever.  I know she might kill me one day for posting this, but I had such a blast with her, I had to share. 💖

Witness Tour

Had to have the ears!

provincial champs!

This is Josh's fifth year playing lacrosse. It's a year-round sport - with field lacrosse in the fall/winter season and box lacrosse in the spring season (carries into summer for the higher levels). Some kids play either field or box. Josh plays both. I see his love/hate relationship with it. Sometimes he wants to play and sometimes he doesn't. Brian has done his fair share of nudging Josh to get him to go to practices.  At the end of the day, though, I think it's engrained in him now and if he stopped, he'd miss it.

I'm still not sure how I feel about Josh playing lacrosse.  It's a rough sport and Josh isn't a big kid.  Not even close.  But I do love watching the kids play.  Seeing their growth through the years, as a parent, I'm in awe.  Not just Josh, but his teammates too.

This past 2017/18 field lacrosse season was a particularly memorable one.  Josh has bounced between the 2 tiers in his division from year to year.  This year, he made the Tier 1 team and the kids had quite a successful season!  They were undefeated in regular season games, losing once in tournament play. They won gold in the 2 tournaments they entered.  Then, to end the season on a high note, they won their final tournament, which was the equivalent to Provincials (officially, they don't have 'Provincials' until the next division up)!

More importantly, I think the kids gelled well this season.  They also had fantastic coaches!  It was inspiring watching them come together as a team.  The team deserved their success this season and we are so proud of them!

Now, after a couple of weeks of rest and digesting their success, they have started tryouts for box lacrosse season.  Ha - no rest for the wicked!  Go Bellies Go!

do you wanna build a snowman?

It’s rare in Vancouver to have a big dump of snow and then, 24 hours later, still have snow that hasn’t been rained on and hardened. This weekend, we had one of those rare mornings! When we woke up, the sun was shining brightly and snow that had fallen in the previous 24 hours was pristine!

Josh immediately said, “I’m going outside!” and Aves wasn’t going to be left behind! Tess asked Josh if he was going to build a snowman and in typical tween form he said, “I don’t build them anymore”. Fair enough.

Brian and I took our time getting ready and by the time we got outside, the kids had already been to the park and back. They'd clearly surveyed their surroundings! We got out the shovels and Josh said, “Dad, can you wait to shovel the driveway? I’m making a snowman.” Ha! Turns out, when you have ideal snowball-rolling conditions, even the most ‘tween’ of us can find that kid inside!

We decided it was better to build the snowman at school (a mix of surface area and quality of snow!). The end product was fun! Josh had this idea to use greenery for hair, so we trimmed our cedar hedge for hair! In the end, the kids decided to name him Jefferson.

 

As we left to carry on with our day, Josh asked if he could kick down Jefferson. Of course, I said, 'Don't do that! Let's leave him up until he melts.' Apparently, my maternal 'every child is an angel' idealism got the better of me. When we drove past the school an hour later, the snowman had been kicked down. Some asshole(s) thought it'd be ok to kick down someone else's snowman!  😡  I guess I learned a valuable lesson that day: when your child asks to kick down his own snowman, let him.

creating content

I had a conversation today.  One of my co-workers said his New Year's resolution is to create more content than he consumes.  Huh.  This is a very interesting resolution.  And kicks my thought process into high gear!  I'd say it is next to impossible to create more content than one consumes.  Reading books/periodicals, watching tv/movies, social media and the internet.  It's all consuming content.  How many opportunities does one have to create content?

I look at this blog as my last 'real' attempt to create content.  Then, a couple of years ago, I started to cheat in this effort.  It was quicker and more instantly gratuitous to post in social media, so instead of taking the time to think through what I wanted to post, I'd just snap a photo and post it on Facebook. Yes, it's easy to argue that posting in Facebook is also creating content, but it's not the same.

Now, when I look back at my Facebook posts and my blog posts, I definitely get more enjoyment reading my blog posts than my Facebook posts.  Also, sharing my blog with the kids is a blast!  It tells a story.  And I realize that it's not as important to me to let others know 'what I'm up to lately'; rather it's more important that I have something that I can reflect on with my family years down the road.

So, in an effort to 'create content', I'm going to start creating content that is meaningful to me.  I know I stopped doing this because life got so busy.  But maybe, if I take time out from consuming content and I create content instead, I might just find some time.  Fingers crossed.

aves says, 'i love moms!'

We had been plodding along the past little while, adjusting to life with 2 kids in school now, no more nanny and just trying to get the daily grind sorted between work, school, kid’s activities and everything in between.  It had been the usual, busy family stuff.

Then, toward the end of January, we had the proverbial perfect storm of events that sort of churned up our lives.  And now, 3.5 months later, I think the clouds are slowly parting, and as I start to see the sky again, I notice that the storm has shifted things in our world a bit.

In January, my work situation left me in a position where Brian and I started talking about whether it was time for me to leave my job.  The work situation coupled with the kids recently transitioning from having a nanny to going to out-of-school care and then dealing with stuff with Josh, led me to believe that it might be time to slow down the pace for awhile and focus on the kids.

I have never been in the position where I was unemployed and not fully looking for work (except for maternity leave, which was, mentally, a different kind of unemployed).  It was a scary idea for me to contemplate that I would be unemployed with my first priority as the kids, and not finding another job.  But Brian and I decided we could manage it financially, so we decided to go for it.

At the beginning of February, I left my job.  It was strangely cathartic.  The day after, I felt mildly exuberant.  I was so relieved to not have to worry about work stresses, but I knew there was a long, unknown road ahead.  It was strange to admit, but I had just made the choice to be a stay-at-home mom for the next little while!  

Here’s the thing though: I’m good at my job.  I’m good at work.  And I like work interactions.  I have previously come to the realization that for me, work is easy.  The things I do at work are intuitive and come natural to me.  For me, it’s the parenting part that’s hard.  I have no clue what I’m doing when it comes to raising my kids.  Not only do I have no clue, but I also can’t hear my intuition when it comes to parenting.  So, I had just given up the thing I know, that comes natural to me and replaced it full time with the thing that daily makes me feel like I’m incompetent and not worthy.  Ha.

For the first month and a bit, all I did was decompress.  It took me this long to get myself to believe that now that I was not juggling my career job with my mom job, I was still just as ‘important’.  I found myself continuing to network, getting in touch with past colleagues and tried to keep my finger on my career pulse.  At the same time, I was figuring out how to deal with Josh’s stuff as well as trying to reconnect with family life (our nanny had just left us at the beginning of January, so reconnecting with family life was on-going).

It was very strange for me.  I felt a bit lost in understanding what I ‘needed’ to be doing.  Remember: even though I was technically a stay-at-home mom, there were 2 distinguishing factors:

1.  The kids were still in out-of-school care.  We didn’t want to lose our spots and we didn’t want there to be too much change to the kid’s routine.  So, I was a stay-at-home mom with child care.  Can you say ‘Real Housewives of New Westminster’?!  Ha.

2. I still had looking for a job hanging over my head.  How could I be unemployed and not be looking for another job?!  I was having trouble accepting this.

I don’t think I ever fully accepted that it was ok for me to be at home and not doing some sort of job search.  I guess the responsibility is so engrained in me.  But I think that one thing that I was able to finally accept, was that there was a place for me as an unemployed person who was spending more time with her family.   And in accepting this, I was able to reaffirm some of the truths I already knew about myself.  Like, I hate house cleaning and even if I have all day to do it, I still won’t.  And I need the different kind of mental stimulation that my work brings.  I need the work challenges that I can solve intuitively and feel confident about my decisions.  And, as selfish as it sounds, I can never get enough “me time”.

So, after the dust settled and I accepted the truths about myself, this is where the real learning began.  This is when I got to see the side of parenting that I never saw before.  The part where I suddenly had some time to enjoy it.  To really get a chance to sit down and look at the gobs of artwork and paper that my kids generate.  To get to see them off to class every morning and watch them interact with their friends.  To volunteer for activities in and around school.  To bring order to our household in a way that allowed my kids to thrive.  To get to go to all their different activities prepared and with purpose, as opposed to feeling like we’re just rushing them from one activity to the next.  I feel like I’m an active participant in my kid’s lives, not just an overseer of it.  I feel closer to my kids than I’ve ever felt before.

Here we are now on Mother’s Day and, ironically, on the eve of me starting a new job (because I just couldn’t stop looking!).  When I go back to work, I will have had almost 4 months to sort out what I’ve needed to with my family.  That person, in February, who had trouble letting go of her career self, is now terrified of what she might be letting go to bring her career self back in.  I don’t honestly know if I’m ready to go back to work.  I don’t know that I’ve accomplished all I set out to accomplish at home when we decided I should leave my job.  And I don’t know if I can keep that connection with the kids when I’m balancing a full time job again.  I found a new level of presence and patience with the kids that I don’t know if I can maintain when I add the burden of work stress.  I know when I go back to work, it will be easy for me to fall back into ‘work’ mode.  And I’m not sure I know how to have that connection to my work and maintain the connection I’ve made with my family life.  It’s making me feel very torn.

But I do know this: for 4 months, I had the opportunity to experience a different way of being in my family.  I got to step outside my normal self and see how else I could be, not just as a mother, but as a person too.  And as torn as I am about going back to work, I wouldn’t have traded this experience for anything.  In fact, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

So, as I sit here on Mother’s Day, eating breakfast in bed and contemplate how life-changing it’s been being a mother, I have to thank Brian for all his support as I navigated my version of stay-at-home-mom-dom.  I couldn’t have done it without you and I love you.  And I have to thank all my parental family and friends for their advice and non-judgment.  I think, in the end, its the fear of judgment that can kill us.

But mostly, I have to thank my kids.  Josh and Aves, thank you for showing me pure joy, honesty, unconditional love and resilience that I never knew existed.  You are the most amazing human beings I know.  You make me want to be the best mother I can be each and every day.  I love, love, love you guys like nothing else.

And to all the moms I know, who get to have the best job in the world, Happy Mother’s Day.  

oftenly versing

Yes, I'm a bit of a self-proclaimed word-nazi (for lack of a better word!).  But in my defense, I know much stricter (and more knowledgeable!) word-nazi's than myself.

I try to gently correct Josh and Aves when they say things incorrectly (e.g. writed), but I quite enjoy the learning process that comes with discovering new words and explaining why words are pronounced the way they are.

Recently, I noticed that my strictness is somewhat selective.  A good example is the word versus.  Josh has turned it into a verb and uses it to say things like 'Today, the red team was versing the blue team.'.  I corrected him once, but then I realized that I smiled each time he said it because it is an interesting derivation from the word versus.  I find that I don't correct him anymore when he says it.

The other day, I heard him say the word oftenly.  ("I do it oftenly because...blah, blah, blah.")  Again, I found that I didn't want to correct him.  I liked the word!  Ha.

So, even though I will continue to cringe when I hear the word 'orientated' instead of 'oriented' (yes, I know it's acceptable!) and 'real' instead of 'really' and 'I says' instead of 'I said', apparently, I'm ok if I hear 'versing' and 'oftenly'.  Now, if he is 18 and still saying either, I wonder if I will be still be ok with it...

tu parles français!

Knight? Bishop? Heaven forbid a pawn!

I remember a few years back when we were trying to make the decision to put Josh in EFI (early french immersion).  Much like deciding to hold him back a year, it was a very 'heavy' decision to make.  Man, it feels like decision-making goes to a whole new stress level when you are doing it for this little person who can't make the decision themselves and you have to decide what's best for them!  You try to weigh all the pros and cons but mostly, you're just crossing your fingers and praying.

I've seen many outcomes from these decisions.  Mostly good, but some have caused doubt.  Last week, though, we had our most rewarding experience for deciding to commit our kids to EFI.  I'm not sure what has caused Josh to fully embrace french immersion this year, but I'm constantly feeling like I need to hug Mme. D, Josh's Grade 2 teacher.  I can't say enough good things about how amazing a teacher she is!

Between that and having 2 years of french immersion under his belt, Josh's french is flourishing.  So, last week, the kids were having some quiet play time after dinner.  Josh had re-introduced himself to his Star Wars Lego after a brief hiatus.  He had all sorts of ships and mini figs strewn across the floor.  I was sitting at the dinner table nearby, sorting mail or something.  I slowed down momentarily to focus on Josh's play.  When I listened closely to what he had his mini figs saying to each other, that's when I noticed it.  Josh was playing en français.  Wow.  I was floored.  It took everything I had not to reach down and hug him.

Bravo, mon petit!  C'est formidable!

"babysitting"

Playing on the beach, Deception Pass, June 2014

It's amazing how conversations like this will still catch me off guard:

A: Mommy, what does a babysitter do?

Y: (huh?!) Well, when moms and dads have to go out and the kids can't come, they will get a baby sitter to come and do the things with the kids that Mom & Dad would do.

A: Like feeding them and getting them ready for bed?

Y: Yes :-)

A: Can kids go when people get married? (...and then getting to the point before I can answer...) Did Josh have a babysitter when you and daddy got married so you could have me?

Y: (bwahahaha!) Sweetie, Mom & Dad only got married once and it was before we had you and Josh. You don't get married each time you have a baby, you get married before you have all your babies (yes, I'm giving her the uncomplicated leave-it-to-beaver version!).

A: (not sure why I didn't see this coming) Well then how do you make babies?!

Sigh.  Mom had no answer but to say "I'll explain when you're older"!